Visiting a Pakistani Home: Etiquette and Gifts

Etiquette for visiting a Pakistani home comes down to a few habits: greet elders first, offer to take off your shoes, dress modestly, bring a small gift such as sweets or fruit, and accept what you are offered. Hospitality is taken seriously, and the host will usually do more than you expect, so the most useful thing a guest can do is accept graciously and praise the house and the food.

If you are travelling in the north, you may well be invited into a home, for tea in a village or for a meal after a chance meeting. This guide is written for that situation and for visitors from outside Pakistan, as well as Pakistanis staying with families in a region whose customs differ from their own. Practices vary between families, so treat what follows as a sensible default, not a rule.

Before you arrive

Timing. Flexible timing is normal, and arriving a little late is generally acceptable. Some families, such as military ones, expect promptness. If you have been invited for a meal, ask roughly when the food will be served, so you can eat lightly beforehand or not at all.

Dress. Dress modestly. For women, that usually means a shalwar kameez or loose trousers and a long top, with a dupatta or scarf on hand in case it is wanted. For men, long trousers and a shirt with sleeves, not shorts. In conservative households and villages, err on the side of covering more.

Ask about the household. In some families, men and women socialise separately, and in others everyone sits together. If you are not sure, follow what the host does and don't push.

At the door

• Greet the elders first. Say Assalam-o-Alaikum; the answer is Wa Alaikum Assalam.
• Handshakes depend on gender. Men shake hands with men, and women with women. A man should wait for a woman to offer her hand, and if she doesn't, a hand on the heart and a nod are a polite alternative.
• Offer to remove your shoes. Shoes are commonly taken off at the entrance of a home. Follow your host's lead, and leave them neatly with the others.
• Use the right hand to give and receive things, including gifts, cups and food. Using both hands is also polite.

What gift to bring

A small gift is a courtesy, not a payment, and nobody expects it to be expensive. Reasonable options are:

• Sweets or mithai from a good local shop
• Fresh fruit, dates or dried fruit
• Good chocolate
• Flowers, if you are giving them to a household as a whole
• Something from your own city or country, for visitors from abroad, which people often enjoy for the story attached to it

What to avoid. Do not bring alcohol, pork products or anything that is not halal. If you bring food, buy it from a place you know to be halal. Avoid expensive items that put the host under an obligation to return the favour, and flowers for a woman from a man you don't know well.

Offer the gift with the right hand or both hands.

Tea, food and being a guest

Accept the tea. Refusing straight away can look unfriendly. Even if you don't want much, take the cup and drink a little. Hosts often offer several times and are not being pushy; it is part of the welcome.

Expect a lot of food. Guests are usually served first and generously, often with more added to the plate. Try everything and take a little more of what you like, and don't feel you have to finish it all. Praise the food, since it is noticed and appreciated.

Wait for the elders. People usually wait for the eldest to sit and begin before eating. Eat with your right hand if the meal is served without cutlery.

Declining politely. If you cannot eat something because of allergy, illness or diet, say so calmly, and thank them warmly. Placing your hand on your heart and bowing your head slightly is a graceful way to decline, especially for hookah or food you don't like.

Don't refuse the second offer with a flat no. "Bas, shukriya" (enough, thank you), said with a smile, works better than turning the plate away.

Conversation and behaviour

• Praise the home. Compliment the house, the garden, the view and the family, and ask about the children.
• Talk to the children. Making a fuss of them is always welcome.
• Avoid politics and religion unless the host raises the subject. Listen, and don't argue.
• Ask before photographing people, especially women, and don't photograph inside the house unless invited.

Leaving

Guests are often pressed to stay longer or have another cup of tea, and the host's protests are usually sincere. Say you must go, stay a few more minutes, and thank everyone. If the household has staff who serve you, a small tip on leaving is customary in some households. In most homes, you will be asked to visit again, and you should return the invitation when you can.

If you are staying overnight

If your stay is a homestay arranged in advance, in Hunza or elsewhere, agree the price and what it includes beforehand, so that nobody has to raise money awkwardly at the end. If it is an informal stay with a family you have met, offer to contribute, for instance by bringing food or by paying for a meal at a local restaurant one evening, and accept it gracefully if they refuse.

For more on regional manners in the north, see our guides to tourist etiquette in Gilgit-Baltistan and travel etiquette in the northern areas. Our FAQs answer other common questions about visiting Pakistan.

Is it appropriate for a foreign visitor to accept an invitation?

Usually yes, and refusing is more likely to cause offence than accepting. Use judgement: it is reasonable for a woman travelling alone to prefer invitations from families, or to bring a companion, and to let someone at her hotel know where she is going. Trust your instincts about any invitation that doesn't feel right.

Frequently asked questions